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MARK FOX NEWS
We'll keep you up to date with Mark and what's new on the site!

22nd September 2006
Slow down Richard..You'll never take this corner at 300....! Posted by Mark Fox
Good Morning my neighbours!

A visitor to a mental institution asked the director how he decided which patients should be kept in. The director said " we simply fill up a bath then offer the patient a teaspoon , teacup or bucket and ask them to empty the bathtub."
The visitor said " Oooh I see,a normal person would pick the bucket because it is the larger of the three items"
The director said "No, a normal person would pull the fucking plug out. Would you like a bed near the window?"

POD 4 is available from mid week next week ...Miss and you will have!
Upem!
( It's an update of sorts!)
M.
www.mark-fox.co.uk
www.myspace.com/markfox1 ( currently unable to message or comment anyone as Tom is a tosser!....but he won't be once he's fixed it as I'm fickle like that!)

Lets here it for JAmes the webby........NOW DO AN UPDATE JIMATHY!
Upem!

..and like that he's gone......!

4th August 2006
The Community is DEADED! R.I.P.! Posted by Mark Fox
Good morning my neighbours..

Well it would appear after some neglect and more than a little flirting with my other 'Shag' Myspace, that The Mark fox Community has been deleted by those sorts at MSN! I can only imagine that they sent webby some notification e mails and what with him being a student, he ate them! I complained in a gruff loud voice and received this nice reply from a bloke with a silly name!

Hello Mark,
            
Thank you for writing to MSN Groups Technical Support.  

My name is Guildem and I understand that you no longer find your Group.

I tried accessing your Group through the URL you have provided (http://groups.msn.com/themarkfoxcommunity) and from what I saw it appears that you Group had been deleted. I'm sorry.

A Group can only be deleted by a manager in it or by MSN. A manager in a Group can delete the Group at any time, for any reason. MSN can also delete a Group, but only if it is inactive for 120 days with no response from the manager to notifications, or if the content violates the Code of Conduct.
  
Because Groups are purged from the MSN Groups site when they are deleted, I cannot determine specifically which among the three cases mentioned is the cause for its deletion. Whatever the specific case is, the deletion is permanent. Consider finding or creating another Group, and continuing in it.

At the chance that the URL you have provided is incorrect, please provide us with the e-mail address you received e-mail from your Group with. From this, we can identify what Groups have member accounts that use that e-mail address to see if the Group you are referring to are among them and what its actual URL is.

Thank you for using MSN Groups.
              
Regards,          
        
Guildem          
MSN Groups Technical Support  

...So you see..It's gone and under their system we'll never know why! I will OF COURSE continue to blame Webby for the rest of my natural life ( and parts of the unnatural one!) If you're a community member who finds himself now without a community please join myspace..MY MYspace which is the whore responsible for my deteriorating posts on the Community anyway!

I'm off to watch 'Shock treatment' so I can see what other ideas not quite as good as 'Rocky horror' Richard o' brien had!
Should you find a lonely dissillusioned Mark fox community somewhere out there in cyber world..Please feed and nourish it and be nice to 'Steves Pics'
And like that....I'm gorne.....!

Kindest and upem!

M.
www.mark-fox.co.uk
www.myspace.com/markfox1
( Community deaded!)

16th July 2006
Post natal depression in Goldfish Posted by Mark Fox
Good Morning My neighbours!
I've been whoring it on MYspace recently and haven't really given you the time of day, but recently, after adding 500 lesbian peruvian sheep farmers with me new ' adder twot friend adder', I got to thinkin' about the old days and all the good times we shared before that MYspace whore came along and tickled my cyber testes with her promises of instant  touchable friends and fans from around the globe who would adore you and praize you and love you...and all in an instant type way...!
There is ,indeed an element of that ..however you do have to drag yourself thru the myre that is'strange pepes woth P.C's' that you find along the way... a misch mash of Goth death head american kids and women holding bananas in their knickers ( well you gotta hold em somewhere)and trying to not look to pornographic....THERE IS NO PORN ALLOWED ON MYSPACE!
Anyways>>>>I'm still shafting that old tart but I also wanna have a bit on the side with you!..I mean a meaningful...deep relation..thingy..!
BUT MARK...STOP WITH THE SLAG ANALOGY AND TALK SENSE YOU FAT BASTARD! I hear you cry..( who you calling a fat bastard!)What have you been up to? you continue ( I wish you'd shut up actually as this is my fuckin update!)

Well, Let me tell you what an exciting ,busy, rock star DJ life I live.

Erm............eeer................uuuuhhhhh....Aaah!    yes!...
..... I had to go to the arse doctor the other day...down at Barts. Had better days.....Got there ok. Found me way to the room on the second floor with the posh word for 'Anal specialists'..or 'Arses R us' or whatever the f*&k  they put on these door plates to try to distract you from the fact that in about 5 minutes from going thru said doors a strange man...and if you're lucky a little old oriental lady of whom you're not quite sure whether or not should be there as she hovers precariously over the doctors shoulder occasionally telling you to relax a little as that strange man you've just met inserts a telescopic tube up your 'rusty sheriffs badge' and tells you that ' You may feel like poohing..but it'll pass'! ;-0 Meanwhile the little old oriental lady has seen that you may be just slightly uncomfortable with the tube being inserted up your 'wrong un' that she feels it will help to creep up silently behind you whilst you lay curled up in a ball on the bed facing the wall and trying to look casual and untroubled by the continuous probing of the curious , enthusiastic telescope.
" You've huge haemorrhoids,Mark" He commented in an almost Blaze fashion
" Fuck off" I felt like saying " and you've got a bastard big nose"!

After the torture was completed doctor left and the mysterious lady of the far east motioned towards me with a towel as I rose from the bed.
" here" ,she said " Yoose dis tu cuver yur mudesty"!
I took the towel and quickly placed it over my head!
Anyways ,Outcome is I've got to go down again and have a camera up me jacksi!
I'm trying not to think about it even though I have benn assured that I will be out of my box on pre med and not really care that they're filming a channel 4 documentry up my beetroot box!
As I left the room , limping slightly but glad to be still walking. I reflected on what career path this doctor must have chosen to end his days in a small room sticking his finger and other bits up peoples bomb bays!?What , I wonder did he say when the careers officer asked 'Barry, and what do you want to do when you grow up'?
......and more importantly..Why wasn't he locked up when he told him?
So..hows your day been?
Kindest and upem!
M.
www.mark-fox.co.uk
www.myspace.com/markfox1

P.S. Theres a new 'papcast available onsite now so go....be free..laugh and TREAT YOUR OWN ARSE WITH CARE!......Remember it's gotta last you a lifetime and it's already got a crack in it!!;-0
P.P.S. ITS MY BIRTHDAY ON WEDNESDAY . I'll B 96.
...and like that..he's gone!

19th May 2006
Abba to reform and merge with the sex pistols in new band called Bastard ABBA! Posted by Mark Fox

Here's one that came to me last night whilst I was self harming in a bath full of colemans english mustard. It's my first attempt at a scripted type thing so please be kind......I'm rallying from the horse pill overdose but am stil quite weak from it all...Mind you as I thought last night as I picked mustard seeds from my fat arse,..could be a lot worse, Could be french mustard!

My playlet thing then...Let me know your thoughts. Usual channels. etc...





Imagine the scene; A large plush office somewhere in central Importantsville with a large table at one end where seated, in a big leather f&^k off swivel effort ,is  a man who is busily reading from a pile of papers on his desk and jotting down things in a note book as he goes along. Across from him seated at a much smaller round table is a nervous looking individual who writes down things onto a piece of paper he has in front of him resting on the small table, whilst occasionally stopping to bite nervously at his finger nails. The man at the bigger table talks first;

Mr Chadvalley: ...."Ahh Mr...( glances at paper in front of him)....er  Humphries!" ( he motions with his hand for the man at the smaller table to join him at big tablesville)

Mr Humphries: "Aaah!, right...thank you! ( he moves to bigger table, extends hand, which is firmly shaken and sits opposite Mr Chadvalley)...Very pleased I'm sure...Here is my CV( He passes paper across table) I think you'll find that all in order"

Mr Chadvalley: (Studies the paper, jots down a few things quickly in notebook, studies paper again, uums and arrs a few times. Finally places CV on table in swift emphatic move, slams hand on it and looks to Mr Humphries) " Barry.......I like what I see and I see what I like.......Love the CV and as I said the moment you walked in the door, YOU look like the man for this job!" ( He stands and extends his hand)

Mr Humphries:( also standing) ..".Ooh that it then....No questions"?

Mr Chadvalley: "NONE!"

Mr Humphries: " No negotiations"?

Mr Chadvalley: " Nothing,... all done and dusted.......welcome aboard....Here's your contract ( Thrusts piece of paper across table. They both sit back down).."If you could just sign that for me.......as I said, moment I saw you come through the door...you looked like the man for this job"

Mr Humphries: " Blimey.......great!"....( Takes out pen from pocket and looks at contract).."So..let me see..where do I .......Wait a sec...there's a print error here ha ha ha!..You've put down twenty minutes under contract length"

Mr Chadvalley: " Yes , thats right!"

Mr Humphries " Well that can't be right...don't you mean twenty months?"

Mr Chadvalley: "No!"

Mr Humphries " Twenty weeks then , surely?"

Mr Chadvalley: " No, that's quite correct. Twenty minutes. Absolutely!. Said when you walked in,  ...there, I said ,is the man for this job.....!"

Mr Humphries: " You want me to sign a contract...?

Mr Chadvalley: "Yes!"

Mr Humphries: "For employment"?

Mr Chadvalley: " Indeed!"

Mr Humphries: " to work for you"?

Mr Chadvalley: " Obviously"!

Mr Humphries: " FOR TWENTY MINUTES"!

Mr Chadvalley: "Yes, if you would!"

Mr Humphries: ...."But that's insane...what would be the point?...You're asking me to sign a contract that would employ me for just TWENTY MINUTES from when I signed it?"

Mr Chadvalley: " Oooh no..ha ha...No..!"( Humphries starts to breath a sigh of relief) " No ,......TWENTY MINUTES from when you  FIRST walked into the office...cause I knew then, that you, Sir, were the man for this job!"

Mr Humphries: " Is this a joke"?

Mr Chadvalley: "Certainly not!"

Mr Humphries: " A Wind up then"?

Mr Chadvalley: " Absolutely not "

Mr Humphries: " Well then "( He glances at clock on office wall) "That would leave me about 5 minuters left on my contract. What on earth would be the point of that?"

Mr Chadvalley: " Five minutes...Sir....well if you've only five minutes.....we will have to rectify that"!

Mr Humphries: " Good , so you see my point"!

Mr Chadvalley: " Yes , sir.......You've been with us know for..( Looks at clock) 15 minutes so It's time for your contract to be reviewed"!

Mr Humphries: ( In a slightly aggitated fashion, as you may imagine;-)) " "REVIEWED...ARE YOU SERIOUS!!?"

Mr Chadvalley: "Yes Sir, do take a seat"

Mr Humphries" I am sitting"

Mr Chadvalley:" Oh yes.....Right"...( he glances at paper in front of him) ..."Oh dear.......erm..OOh ..ahhh....I see..." (He looks up) "Well...I'm afraid it's not great news Barry..!"

Mr Humphries: " Why.?.What?"

Mr Chadvalley: " We won't be renewing your contract"!

Mr Humphries:  (Completely flustered)"YOU won't be re .......new......How?....what.?....when.?.......WHY?"

Mr Chadvalley: (Gazing at paper then back to Humphries) " Too many questions.!......Sorry Humphries.!.It just wasn't working out!"

Mr Humphries: "Are you"......( Starts to speak but gives up)

Mr Chadvalley: "Yes, dont take it personally , Humphries. Just time for you to move on. We..er were gonna have a whip round in the office for you...but as no one knew who the f&^k you were , we really didn't think we'd get much...so we didn't bother"!

Mr Humphries: (Defeated and deflated but quite glad to be leaving  stands and makes his way to the door) ..." Err, right...so..er I'll er be off then"!

Mr Chadvalley:  ( Not looking up from papers) "Yes , sir...Don't let the door hit you up the arse on the way out sir,................OOoh and Barry? "(He looks up)

Mr Humphries:(At the door. Confused to say the least)" Yes"!

Mr Chadvalley: " Can you send in the next fella on the way out"?

Mr Humphries: " Eer right..Bye then"... (Opens door and exits. After a few seconds another man enters the room looking bright and very enthusiastic.  He bounds over to large table).

Mr Chadvalley: "AAah! Mr Pitstop...Kenneth!..Can I just say you do look like the man for this job......sit over there and fill this in will you" ( He hands him a piece of paper and motions towards the small table. He looks up at the clock and then looks down and continues jotting and reading).



CURTAIN!

From an idea inspired by a misheard conversation with Mr P.

Written by Me.

18/05/06.  15.40 GMT.

Well it struck me as funny and the Two Ronnies had to start somewhere......GOD I NEED A GIG!



14th April 2006
Jizm factory explodes! Man covered In love Glue! Posted by Mark Fox
POD 2 Is Up!

Upyourn!

M.

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