19th May 2006

Abba to reform and merge with the sex pistols in new band called Bastard ABBA! Posted by Mark Fox

Here's one that came to me last night whilst I was self harming in a bath full of colemans english mustard. It's my first attempt at a scripted type thing so please be kind......I'm rallying from the horse pill overdose but am stil quite weak from it all...Mind you as I thought last night as I picked mustard seeds from my fat arse,..could be a lot worse, Could be french mustard!

My playlet thing then...Let me know your thoughts. Usual channels. etc...





Imagine the scene; A large plush office somewhere in central Importantsville with a large table at one end where seated, in a big leather f&^k off swivel effort ,is  a man who is busily reading from a pile of papers on his desk and jotting down things in a note book as he goes along. Across from him seated at a much smaller round table is a nervous looking individual who writes down things onto a piece of paper he has in front of him resting on the small table, whilst occasionally stopping to bite nervously at his finger nails. The man at the bigger table talks first;

Mr Chadvalley: ...."Ahh Mr...( glances at paper in front of him)....er  Humphries!" ( he motions with his hand for the man at the smaller table to join him at big tablesville)

Mr Humphries: "Aaah!, right...thank you! ( he moves to bigger table, extends hand, which is firmly shaken and sits opposite Mr Chadvalley)...Very pleased I'm sure...Here is my CV( He passes paper across table) I think you'll find that all in order"

Mr Chadvalley: (Studies the paper, jots down a few things quickly in notebook, studies paper again, uums and arrs a few times. Finally places CV on table in swift emphatic move, slams hand on it and looks to Mr Humphries) " Barry.......I like what I see and I see what I like.......Love the CV and as I said the moment you walked in the door, YOU look like the man for this job!" ( He stands and extends his hand)

Mr Humphries:( also standing) ..".Ooh that it then....No questions"?

Mr Chadvalley: "NONE!"

Mr Humphries: " No negotiations"?

Mr Chadvalley: " Nothing,... all done and dusted.......welcome aboard....Here's your contract ( Thrusts piece of paper across table. They both sit back down).."If you could just sign that for me.......as I said, moment I saw you come through the door...you looked like the man for this job"

Mr Humphries: " Blimey.......great!"....( Takes out pen from pocket and looks at contract).."So..let me see..where do I .......Wait a sec...there's a print error here ha ha ha!..You've put down twenty minutes under contract length"

Mr Chadvalley: " Yes , thats right!"

Mr Humphries " Well that can't be right...don't you mean twenty months?"

Mr Chadvalley: "No!"

Mr Humphries " Twenty weeks then , surely?"

Mr Chadvalley: " No, that's quite correct. Twenty minutes. Absolutely!. Said when you walked in,  ...there, I said ,is the man for this job.....!"

Mr Humphries: " You want me to sign a contract...?

Mr Chadvalley: "Yes!"

Mr Humphries: "For employment"?

Mr Chadvalley: " Indeed!"

Mr Humphries: " to work for you"?

Mr Chadvalley: " Obviously"!

Mr Humphries: " FOR TWENTY MINUTES"!

Mr Chadvalley: "Yes, if you would!"

Mr Humphries: ...."But that's insane...what would be the point?...You're asking me to sign a contract that would employ me for just TWENTY MINUTES from when I signed it?"

Mr Chadvalley: " Oooh no..ha ha...No..!"( Humphries starts to breath a sigh of relief) " No ,......TWENTY MINUTES from when you  FIRST walked into the office...cause I knew then, that you, Sir, were the man for this job!"

Mr Humphries: " Is this a joke"?

Mr Chadvalley: "Certainly not!"

Mr Humphries: " A Wind up then"?

Mr Chadvalley: " Absolutely not "

Mr Humphries: " Well then "( He glances at clock on office wall) "That would leave me about 5 minuters left on my contract. What on earth would be the point of that?"

Mr Chadvalley: " Five minutes...Sir....well if you've only five minutes.....we will have to rectify that"!

Mr Humphries: " Good , so you see my point"!

Mr Chadvalley: " Yes , sir.......You've been with us know for..( Looks at clock) 15 minutes so It's time for your contract to be reviewed"!

Mr Humphries: ( In a slightly aggitated fashion, as you may imagine;-)) " "REVIEWED...ARE YOU SERIOUS!!?"

Mr Chadvalley: "Yes Sir, do take a seat"

Mr Humphries" I am sitting"

Mr Chadvalley:" Oh yes.....Right"...( he glances at paper in front of him) ..."Oh dear.......erm..OOh ..ahhh....I see..." (He looks up) "Well...I'm afraid it's not great news Barry..!"

Mr Humphries: " Why.?.What?"

Mr Chadvalley: " We won't be renewing your contract"!

Mr Humphries:  (Completely flustered)"YOU won't be re .......new......How?....what.?....when.?.......WHY?"

Mr Chadvalley: (Gazing at paper then back to Humphries) " Too many questions.!......Sorry Humphries.!.It just wasn't working out!"

Mr Humphries: "Are you"......( Starts to speak but gives up)

Mr Chadvalley: "Yes, dont take it personally , Humphries. Just time for you to move on. We..er were gonna have a whip round in the office for you...but as no one knew who the f&^k you were , we really didn't think we'd get much...so we didn't bother"!

Mr Humphries: (Defeated and deflated but quite glad to be leaving  stands and makes his way to the door) ..." Err, right...so..er I'll er be off then"!

Mr Chadvalley:  ( Not looking up from papers) "Yes , sir...Don't let the door hit you up the arse on the way out sir,................OOoh and Barry? "(He looks up)

Mr Humphries:(At the door. Confused to say the least)" Yes"!

Mr Chadvalley: " Can you send in the next fella on the way out"?

Mr Humphries: " Eer right..Bye then"... (Opens door and exits. After a few seconds another man enters the room looking bright and very enthusiastic.  He bounds over to large table).

Mr Chadvalley: "AAah! Mr Pitstop...Kenneth!..Can I just say you do look like the man for this job......sit over there and fill this in will you" ( He hands him a piece of paper and motions towards the small table. He looks up at the clock and then looks down and continues jotting and reading).



CURTAIN!

From an idea inspired by a misheard conversation with Mr P.

Written by Me.

18/05/06.  15.40 GMT.

Well it struck me as funny and the Two Ronnies had to start somewhere......GOD I NEED A GIG!

14th April 2006

Jizm factory explodes! Man covered In love Glue! Posted by Mark Fox

POD 2 Is Up!

Upyourn!

M.

24th February 2006

Sylvias mother AKA POD 2!!! Posted by James the Webby

..Good neighbour my morning's

Just to let you know that due to an unexpected interest in a fat man talkin bolox there will be a second podcast recorded next week and available from next friday 03/02/06.....

So , if you haven't already and in an effort to keep up,Download and listen to the first one and prepare your souls ..(My souls...Are souls....!) for the follow up , sequel  thingymawotsitz!!

Remember your a womble

Facite vobis somne et ripsae

Sorry you cant park there , vicar!

Kindest but confused with big numbers..

M.

http://www.myspace.com/markfox1

12th February 2006

Isn't this posting suspiciously like the one on my community with a different title..? Posted by Mark Fox

Good Morning my neighbours....!

Just a quick one........Aaahh that's better... Now , where was I..? I was here......I haven't moved

Anewae Mi spolligs gittge botter....Who Likes lemon curd..? I do.Quick , think of a number, add 19....- 11.......square it's root and find that prime number........half that and subtract  2.......was it     574562/86*(^  ?....No.?.Shite.!I'll work on that......

As you probably don't know and don'care I'll let you in on the great news that I am pregnant with my forth child....No, No that's not it......The 'Papcast'..Yes the Long awaited ( Oooh come on ,  go with me on this....) Much Debated  ( no mass   jokes here , please) It's Free ( so 's if you think its shit you can't really complain) It's easily accessed via either my website or,better  stilll I   tunes ( They've probably embraced the technology side slightly more than our 'webby.....bless him..) Also they'll keep a count and let that 'Gervais ' fella know if he's got anything to worry about in the download numbers stakes.......( ALREADY WE'VE HAD UPWARDS OF 4 DOWNLOADS!!!)

If you have a problem downloading it then get another fu*^in P.C......I mean...PLEASE , PLEASE Try again and let us know what you think of the 'Cast' by emailing me via my website and who knows you could feature in the next one if we think its funny and read it out.....Or indeed you are the only person who bothers  to e mail...!

Thanks to all those who made it possible , Including My dear Paula, Mr.P.,Edwina Hayes www.edwinahayes.com  Allan lake for his technical brilliance and unique production skills and You , my friends......For Downloading and listening to this monument to pap.! ( notice full stop AND exclamation mark , there!)

If you have a question for the next 'Cast' which will be in the next few weeks, then please e mail me in the usual way ( helps if you're online and own a P.C.!).....Wow , Look at the time , I have to walk Dave the dog as his little doggy guts aren't doing all that good on the shite we're curently feeding him!..I'd change his diet but the look on his face when he drops his load is priceless....

Talking of which....and unlike Dave the dog , I feel the need to go.....

Oooh Must mention my new 'MYSPACE' site...You can get to see it Via the 'Papcast page' on the site. I'm very proud to say I'm learning basic HTML coding which I hope will help me through the long winter evenings....that and the horse tranquillizer pills.!

I'm off to try and find a decent piccy of me and Mr. P for 'Myspace' as I just can't get enough of these slideshow piccy malarky things..........Mind you...a decent piccy of us both might be a bit much to hope for.......For some strange reason I tend to look 'Chunky' in my recent pics..(Last 10 years)...and Mr.p's got a beard.....

Upthosefattyflaps!

Don't forget to listen

Don't forget to write

Tatetabye!

M.

http://www.mark-fox.co.uk

http://www.myspace.com/markfox1

25th January 2006

Flakmahagwa! Posted by James the Webby

....It's only me.........again!

New date for Podcast so it will give you a chance to get those e mails in

Tues 7th Feb. So that gives you ALL enough time to get one in ..so to speak!!!

Don't forget..You could win an I pod shuffle...although odds are strictly against you........

Thanx to all those ( 3) who have e mailed so far...(really..thanx) Now PULL YOUR F*^KIN FINGERS OUT!...PLEASE!

7th feb then. E mail now.

Ta for that!

Bye Bye.

M.

NB.

Upem!